A weekend that I so often took for granted is here again, and I'm regretting all those years I didn't remind my mom how important and amazing she was. Now that it's too late, I am reminded all over again of everything my mom did for me! I knew Mother's Day was coming and I knew it would be all together different. I had been trying to mentally prepare myself for today.....but I hadn't. If I'm honest, each "Happy Mother's Day" felt like an arrow hitting my heart; the hugs of mom's and their children, the smiles when older children showed up to surprise their mom, and just the knowing of what today meant. To me, today felt like nothing but a reminder that I couldn't give mine a hug or take her out to a special lunch. I couldn't look out through the congregation and find her clothed in her hat and scarf, sitting with dad's arm around her. That smile was missing, the extra hug wasn't available and I miss that. As you finish up this Mother's Day, May 10, 2015; reminisce on how blessed you are to be given mothers. If this is a day that is hard because you are missing your mother, think back to all the ways that she blessed you. Mom's are full of forgiveness, love, and encouragement. I can picture my mom's smile right now and hear her laughter. She always knew what I needed to hear, how to say it and when. Mom's just know....and are almost always right! As we went through the service, I was preparing myself as I saw that we were going to sing Amazing Grace. I love this hymn, but little did I know that the music would be done with bagpipes.....yeah, just like at mom's funeral. Talk about feeling like running out. The tears welled up and I couldn't even sing. I just stood there, trying to keep composure and not completely lose it. I will never ever hear Amazing Grace in the same way and not think of my sweet mom. Many of you had the privilege of spending the day with your mom. I hope that you all hugged her a little tighter, told her how much she means to you and that you love her, and just spent quality time with her. Your mom will always be your mom, whether you are 5, 15, or even 50 years old. Even though you may be married and a mother yourself, your mom will still be your mom and you will still be their baby. Remember that, and don't think that your relationship with them needs to fade because you have started your own family. A mom's role in our lives is a necessity. God brought us into this world with parents, and mother's play a vital role in our growing up and navigating life. Mom's are the first ones to display affection, compassion, forgiveness, commitment and understanding. They are the one's who kiss your boo-boos and make them better, who lay down with you until you fall asleep because you're scared, and who cheer you on as you go through school and play sports. Mom's can be your best friend and your go-to person. You see, my Mom was full of grace, always eager to forgive and let the stupid things go and just live. This grace mom had, was definitely a gift from God. My mom was a gift from God. Mom's in general are God's gift to us, so accept the gift with outstretched arms, thank Him and cherish them! You don't have a mom "by chance"...so don't think of it lightly. Embrace what you have and enjoy it! |
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I have failed to write on my blog for awhile now, as life has been pretty busy. I've been going through, trying to find my own way, and I've decided that I just need to hang up my hiking shoes and let God lead. We are taught all through school to become independent. We are pushed to learn to feed ourselves, use the bathroom on our own, tie our own shoes, make our own choices, pick a college, move out on our own and so on. Everything is to better ourselves and become completely independent. I think independence is necessary in so many aspects of our lives, but I believe that we often take it a little too far sometimes.
Lately, I have really been focusing on my future and where to go in order to better myself to become more independent and able to live without the support of others. This is important, as it's not ideal to be living with parents your whole life, eating their food, having them do your laundry, etc. (which by the way is not the case for me). I have been blessed with my own place and can manage pretty well by myself, but we are always pushing to better ourselves. Sometimes this means with a new degree, new job, moving out on your own, taking a big step into a relationship or just choosing a specific career that you want to pursue. Independence brings about freedom and more responsibilities, and ultimately more stress. When you are young, you don't worry about anything because your parents make decisions for what's best for you, the foods to eat, making sure laundry is clean and any other decisions that directly impact your life. Once you become an adult, those choices are on you, and you quickly learn that you have to truly seek out the best path to take and you can't make quick decisions without thinking through all options. I recently made the decision to go back to school. I have enjoyed working within the healthcare field and decided to pursue a deeper understanding of how healthcare works and ultimately what I can do to help others who are dealing with sickness in one way or another. Ever since I can remember, I have always been drawn to the health field, whether it was when I was younger and obsessed with the show "Rescue 911", or went on a few medical mission trips where I saw the desperation for care and love that was missing. Since then I have seen the importance of love and interaction between patients and employees when someone is going through the journey of cancer. For some people, becoming a doctor or nurse is where they are led, others it is behind the scenes work to prepare for patients coming in, and some it is the cleaning up of rooms or cooking. All of these, no matter how much or little they are paid, are important. A job at the hospital, moving into my own place, the earthly loss of my sweet mom and now pursuing more school have all brought about their own sense of independence, some wanted, and some not. Independence is good right? I feel as this pursuit of independence is ingrained in us, the journey of relying on Christ is pushed to the back. I have realized that at some point I have to stop thinking I can do everything on my own, because I can't. There are just some mountains that can't be reached without the One who created them. I MUST look to Him and trust Him to get me over the mountains and safely(not easily) to my destination. While we think of our destination being living comfortably, working, making money and doing what we love.....we must come to the realization that our true destination is heaven and isn't obtained by hiking life on our own. God strategically places people and choices in our lives to ultimately look to Him for guidance and to give thanks. I have asked many times how you can give thanks when everything in life seems to crumble, when you feel you are at a dead-end in a job or unsure if you will ever have a credible degree. How do you give thanks when you're not sure how bills will be paid or even how you can feed your children? Be thankful! Be hopeful!do you give thanks when everything inside of you is saying you hate life at this point? This act of thanksgiving came to me with the most clarity while laying on the floor of the Hospice House one night. Here is a post from my Facebook page from December 13, 2014: Today has been tough as mom has been much more out of it. I have sat here today as my mind has wandered everywhere, but tonight, we have felt that peace that passes all understanding. I see Gods hand as Dad and I have shared so many years with my mom. We didn't wait until the last minute to make memories. We have seized the moment. My parents are the best role models of a Christian marriage, and as I've seen that, I've seen the everlasting love of God shine through them. I've seen that grace and peace, love and hope. Mom ALWAYS looked at the good in things, and tonight God has flooded my mind and heart with the good, with joy. Joy in the midst of a storm? Yes! If you had asked me this yesterday you wouldn't have received the same answer. Now this doesn't at all mean that things aren't hard, or that this journey isn't at times unbearable....we just have to keep our eyes on the only HOPE. Our joy is not at all a result of earthly things. Our joy comes from God, a never changing God, the source of all comfort and hope. That hope is something that my mom so boldly talked about and showed me! And tonight I am so thankful for that hope! With thanks, comes joy. With thanks, there's no room for discouragement. As we go through life, as we look to our Guide, we find our hope to carry on. Our thankfulness brings about a greater sense of security as our eyes are focused on what we have instead of what we are lacking. Thankfulness brings a Christlike independence in that we are the only ones who can pursue that deeper relationship with Christ as we see all He does for us. Thankfulness brings direction as we place our decisions in God's hands and look for His desires instead of our own. As we learn God's desires, we see our paths open up and the right direction illuminated. Direction brings thankfulness. Thankfulness brings peace. Peace brings a deeper relationship with Christ. Our relationship allows us to freely open up to others and share our journey. Our personal journey leads to others seeing Christ and when others learn about Christ and accept Him, there is Hope. That Hope is what pushes us through each day as we reach for eternity with Him. So hang up your hiking shoes and let God lead your personal life! As you let God lead, find blessings in which you can actively give thanks. They are everywhere, small and big. Be a follower of Christ so you can also be a guide to others. He is our Guide, our Hope, our joy and our blessing. Remain hopeful and in everything, give thanks! I have felt myself feeling really weighed down this week. As I listened to prayer requests in Sunday School and church Wednesday night, it just felt as if everything is battling against us. Sick parents, cancer stricken young adults, car accidents, depression, financial burdens, car problems, those needing insurance and jobs......all of these weigh heavy. Everyone is dealing with something or someone in their life that is struggling in some way or another. I know you have all met a struggle head on before and it sometimes feels like the end of everything. Sometimes it feels like you are climbing a never-ending path and you just can't get a break. And guess what, sometimes that really is true. There are times that everything is piled on and you feel there's no escape. Sometimes it feels that God isn't listening to our prayers, that nobody cares and that everyone else has a perfect life and we're the only ones who are dealing with anything. Of course this is not true, but it is easy to have these feelings.
You know, for a long time after finding out about moms cancer, I was angry. I was so mad at God, and yet I felt horrible for feeling mad. Some say, "you can't be mad at God", but I was. God created everything right? God has the power and authority to do anything He wants right? So this was all his fault! That's how I felt, in private of course. Can't let anyone know you don't have faith in your own Creator because this for some reason is the idea that The Church has allowed to creep in. For some reason we act like nothing can possibly bring us to the point of anger with God if we truly love Him. But I was there. I was angry and I questioned Him. I threw all the what and whys out there. I asked those questions that you just don't dare share with others. For weeks and weeks I pondered this. I asked what was done to bring this about? Why her? Why now? Why this way? See, the Bible tells of how God has power over everything, yet He allowed us free will. Yeah, I get that....free will, but mom didn't choose cancer. No one did or does anything to deserve cancer.....so why? The only answer I could come up with was when I went back to the basics, to the beginning. God allowed Adam and Eve free reign of the garden, EXCEPT the Tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They were given a huge beautiful garden, endless possibilities, but like a little child, you tell them they can play with any toy but that one specific one, what do they do....go straight to the forbidden one. Adam and Eve were the same. Once they disobeyed, this brought about sin, shame, and the evil of the world. When God allowed us free will, He gave over His cursor to move us around and "manipulate" our lives in the exact way He would like. We have choices and must look to Him. Once they disobeyed God, sin entered. And once sin entered the world, death also came into existence. There it was....my answer, my comfort and hope. God didn't send this cancer to my mom. He didn't simply "allow" it without pain and tears. This was a result of a horribly fallen world. Mom wasn't being punished. We hadn't caused this and more importantly, He didn't cause it. I quickly had to apologize for my feelings, yet I realized it was okay to ask questions. I feel my God is a big enough God to handle my struggles and feelings of doubt in a major time of confusion and fear. After all, Jesus himself asked God to take it from Him before his death on the cross. A sweet lady, who used to be my mom's chemo nurse, has a daughter in her 20's who is battling a cancer that is relentless. It has kept this young girl in the hospital for weeks/months on end. Her hospital room has become her home, and the staff has become extra family. As she stays there, getting chemo, medicine and everything possible to try and get better, it seems like she doesn't get a break. She's got a huge life ahead of her, dreams to follow, memories to make, yet, the unfairness of life strikes and has pulled her back some. Each day I look for updates on her, to see what new specific way to pray, or how people are reaching out and supporting. Despite the circumstances, this girl has proven her faith to be strong and unwavering. Her courage is undeniably a gift from only One God, the God of Creation, the God of authority, and the God who never ever leaves our side. She has shown so much humility and trust as she continues to fight the good fight and lean on Christ. She is being a light to more people than she realizes. For her strength and courage, I am thankful to see that in action, despite the horrible circumstances she has had to face. Take some time today to pray for those you know are hurting or dealing with difficult circumstances. Pray for God's clarity in your why's. Pray for God's humility when you receive an answer that maybe you don't want. Pray for peace and understanding. He can handle your questions, moments of doubt, and feelings of fear. He has gone through every season that we do and He came out a victor. My God, He not only handled my frustration and feelings of abandonment, but He gently showed me the Truth. He answered my question and also gave me comfort despite knowing I couldn't change the circumstances. So today, today I pray for the young girl battling cancer and her family that is by her side. I pray for those from church who are sick and dealing with pain and heartache. I pray for those who are in need and who feel alone. I pray for those who may not be dealing with anything now, but one day will. Keep climbing that mountain! Keep looking up! Keep counting your blessings in the immense fog! Keep hope! Because there is a reason you are here now, among the battles you are facing, and God is closer than ever to you! Another week has come and gone. Do you ever just feel like you just go through the week, through the motions of work, school, practice, homework, and family time? Do you ever feel disconnected from everything, maybe even your body? Sometimes life does that to us, and I haven't figured out why.
This week held one of life's curve balls, you know, where something just hits you and it's hard to regain composure. All this week, thoughts have run through my head, about where I'm really at in this huge world. Where do I fit? Where do I plug in and get involved? Where can I live life to the fullest? To all those questions.....I have no answers....right now. It is so hard in life, to figure out where you fit, your strengths, gifts, where God's leading you (and if it's truly His leading or our own selfishness), and just how to be you and succeed. And I don't mean succeed as in financially. Maybe we all go through life not really knowing fully where we fit in. Maybe the only true answer to that is that we fit into His family and His plan. Is that ALL we need to know, or is there more? I'm not content in knowing just that and that's it, whether that is right or wrong. I want to be more, discover more gifts and develop more strengths. I want to go through life with the constant ambition and drive to follow God more faithfully, more boldness to share His love with others, more devotion to spend more time with Him. So is it wrong to say I'm not content where I am? I have absolutely no clue where I'm supposed to be in the next five years, or even this time next year. I'm not sure what's in store for me and what surprises are around the corner. Sometimes, you just feel like a tiny ant in the huge ant pile. Everything in life seems unbearable and the inability to accomplish things feels magnified. Where do I go next? What door do I take a step through? Which passion do I follow? When will we ever truly feel complete and accomplished? I will never be as bold as I need too. I'll never have the courage necessary to fulfill all the tasks put in front of me. I am nothing without Christ and until the day I reach heaven's gates, I will make mistakes and be a sinner. BUT, until that day, I have the task of searching for His leading, looking for the doors He has opened and following after Him with an open mind and heart. We aren't promised an easy road, and it sure isn't paved. There are potholes and bridges, there's fog and storms. We stumble upon accidents and disasters. But there's always the "One-way" sign pointing us to Christ if we look. I myself am constantly feeling broke down on the side of the road without AAA to rescue me, but the Way to Him has never changed and never will. God is our AAA. He is our Rescuer. He is who we call on for help. He is our light in the storm. He is our spare tire when we've had a blowout and can't continue on. He is the map. He's equipped with the necessary tools to get us through. Completion in us only comes the day we step foot in our heavenly home.So until we reach that day of perfection, we must rest in His grace and comfort as He leads us where we need to go. That moment when the weather prediction ends up being accurate.
I remember growing up hearing of just the possibility of snow and I was so excited. I would sit at the window, watching and waiting with anticipation. I have to say....I haven't changed much. Yes, I'm one of those people that many dislike right now, as I LOVE the snow! Actually, I love every season, but there's just something about the "magic" of snow. I love the quiet that snow brings, as it brings a stillness to everyone at night. The unique design of each snowflake, as every single one is different. Snow brings on a sense of calm, peace and hope. The snow falls, flake after flake, some small, some large, and continue to pile up. After just an hour we had over two inches of snow, then as we all began to wake up the next morning, we saw anywhere from six to eight inches. The snow fell on us just like a blanket of hope, a clean slate. As I looked out and saw all the snow, the most snow we have had in several years, I'm quickly reminded of the blanket of hope we each have. I think of the clean slate God gives us each morning. I remember my dad talking one day about one thing that he loved about my mom. He said that Mom was one of the most forgiving people he had ever met. That she would start a new day like a fresh blanket of snow. She held no grudges, always forgave, and freely allowed second chances. Her love never expired, just like God's love never expires for us. Each morning, there are new mercies, new chances, new pages to our story. We have the choice to make it what we want. The other night, as I watched the snow fall out my window, I realized that I need to be a lot more like the peaceful snow falling. I need to try to stay a little more calm, a little less dirty with sin and offer a lot more grace. I have had some of the best teachers in life to show me this difficult task of giving grace. It's so hard to forgive and move on. The reality of it all, when we don't offer grace, we just pile up more negativity. Just like when we shovel our driveways, we scoop it up and dump it all in one spot.....eventually after many scoops, there's a huge pile of snow. That pile of snow is much like what happens in our hearts when we forget to give grace. We let it build up until eventually, it's extremely hard to forgive. The healing takes time. But grace, grace is something we can give immediately. Grace is something that comes from deep in our heart. Grace is something that we can give only if accept the forgiveness we have been given. With grace comes love, peace, thankfulness and hope. Grace encompasses so much of what we need in our lives. A little bit of grace goes a long way. So what are you doing with your blank page in the book? How are you giving the grace that was once given to you through the painful death on the cross? Grace allows for new hope! Until the next snow, be thankful and let the explosion of grace happen! Life is just one giant race. Everything about it brings obstacles and hills, not just when someone you love passes away. We all have our own personalized race, some with more ups than downs, some with more twists, and others with major drops of disappointment or maybe even depression. Life it tough! It's not what you envision while a child. As a child, everything seems perfect and the "bad" is just something you hear of but don't really understand. Then as you grow up, you experience some of those curves and drops, and they continue throughout the rest of your life.
Monday marked two months that I have not been able to talk to my mom, hear her voice, listen to her laugh or feel her embrace. Sunday would be her birthday. Yes, I have looked at pictures every single day, but it's just not the same. I have listened to voice mails from her and texts that she sent with encouragement. I look at those pictures and go back to that very moment the picture was taken. I can envision what happened right before we took it, and the chatter and laughter right after. There's always a thousand words behind a picture and a smile is worth so much more, especially my moms. I realized this week just how some of the smallest and most simple things can become the hardest. There are so many different times in life we take for granted, but one day, you will be appreciative. Mom crocheted since I can remember and was so good at it. I was drawn to what she did because it was unique from most everyone else who crocheted. I remember sitting and watching her crochet, then count, and of course I always interrupted while she was trying to count. She would kindly glance up at me and let me talk, then right back at it she would go. She would sit there of an evening and get one or two strips done on what would soon be an afghan. Of course I'm a little biased, but I think they are some of the most unique and beautiful afghans. Well, one day I decided I wanted to learn how to crochet as well and one day make those afghans. Let me just add, mom is left-handed and I'm right, so learning to crochet was a little more difficult. I had to try and mirror everything she did, but she was so patient with me. She didn't yell at me or get frustrated because I couldn't do it right away, but would just kindly guide me back towards the right way and cheer me on. She ALWAYS had faith in me that I could learn. When I was ready to give up, she was just preparing to push me to keep going. Her persistence and patience is what taught me. Once I learned, and had got to the point where I could successfully make a blanket that was presentable to others, mom and I would crochet in the evenings together. Even though we didn't always have deep discussion, it was our time together....and I miss that time so much! So this week, with the frigid temps outside, I have found myself curled up under a blanket crocheting. I have found myself feeling a bit lost, because a part of my desire to crochet was to be like mom. I just wanted to be more like her, and this was one way to do it. This was a hobby we had in common. We could go to Hobby Lobby and spend hours looking around, but our visit was never complete until we made a stop in the yarn section. Tonight, I made a trip there and was picking out some new yarn. I found myself looking for mom for insight on the best colors to go together, and she wasn't there. A mothers input, encouragement and support is something to not be forgotten. Don't take their support lightly, and never push it away. One day, it may just be gone, and it's not something you can just snap your fingers and get back. Yes, her words, insight and encouragement are not forgotten....but they aren't new either. Each day isn't filled with words from my mom anymore. I no longer share this hobby of crocheting with her. While I will continue to crochet, it has become different. It is fun yet hard. Hard to remember where my desire to learn came from(is gone), yet fun to remember the special times we had together completing a blanket. As I think about the little things that are really huge to me, I realize that they are often the most important. I realize that just as much as mom taught me to crochet, she also taught me patience, persistence, love and quality time. As much as Mom taught me those, my God teaches and shows us all this as well. Just as mom was patient with me and careful to guide me back, He does the same....daily! Just as mom didn't give up on me, God hasn't either. I am constantly in need of His guidance. I'm in need of his patience and persistence to not give up on me. I'm in need of His care and words of encouragement. So those days that I spent trying to copy my mom, she was quick to show me ways to copy my Father. To follow Him and be "an imitator of Christ". I couldn't have possibly asked for a better mother. And I hope to one day be half as good to my children as she was to me. James 1:2-8 "Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing. If you don’t have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking. The key is that your request be anchored by your single-minded commitment to God. Those who depend only on their own judgment are like those lost on the seas, carried away by any wave or picked up by any wind. Those adrift on their own wisdom shouldn’t assume the Lord will rescue them or bring them anything. The splinter of divided loyalty shatters your compass and leaves you dizzy and confused." (The VOICE) So as we race, we come across multiple obstacles along the way. As much loneliness and sometimes desperation I feel, I am trying to be thankful for the time and memories I do have. I'm reminding myself to be thankful for what mom showed me. Thankful for the hope I have in seeing her again one day. The hope of that constant need and desire to be more like Christ. We have hope to continue on. Hope to one day be complete in every way. HOPE....where do you find it? What day is it today? Well, it's Saturday, a cold day in February.....oh, and it's Valentine's. This day should never be forgotten right? Well, I have to admit, I think Valentine's is overrated.....BIG time! Yeah, that's coming from a girl who isn't engaged, married, or even have a prospect at the time....but I have in the past, and even then, it wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. You may disagree with me on that, but I just know that I don't need a specific day each year that promotes telling your significant other that you love them. Personally, I would much rather have that all throughout the year in small, non-expensive, flowerless ways, than just that one day that the world says you should. You are probably wondering why I'm even writing today. I am writing because I want to talk about a few relationships that have shaped my thinking and attitude towards love and relationships. First, my parents. This couple, truly took love to the next level. Their love for each other wasn't shown through flowers that die a week later, the expensive chocolates that are gone in two days and you have gained two pounds. Their love wasn't based on going to an expensive restaurant or who could get the sappiest Hallmark card. Their love was true, full of blessings and sacrifice, and not to mention support. This love came from their relationship to God and their respect for each other. Now, I am not telling you that getting flowers, chocolate or going out to a nice restaurant is wrong. I'm just saying, there is much more to love than what happens on February 14th of every year. My parents have set the bar high for me when I do one day find my spouse. I want a love that stands strong when a large bouquet of flowers is too expensive to be bought. I want to remind my spouse daily, just as my parents did to each other, of their love for each other. Not a day would go by that they didn't tell each other what they meant to them, that they loved them, and their actions showed their love even more than the words. My dad was not only their for my mom emotionally, but physically when she needed the laundry done or the house cleaned. He was there for her when she had to meet with the doctors and get "the news". He was there for her when she was sick and unable to get out of bed, and when she was well and wanted to do a little shopping. He was always by her side, and never once did she doubt his love for her. I remember as mom was going through her chemo treatments, that dad would leave sweet notes on little heart shaped stickies for her to be encouraged as she went to treatments each week. She looked forward to getting up and reading those. The love and support dad displayed to her was something that boosted her spirits and gave her a smile to take on whatever the day held. My parents love was so much more than the commercialism of Valentine's Day. It was embedded and founded on Christ. When they said "I do" at the altar thirty-four years ago, they meant what they said. Their vows were to each other and most importantly to God. They lived out their vows through word and action. Each day was a gift to them, and they always took advantage of sharing that love with each other. When they were together, there were always smiles. They knew of each others love and never doubted the support and faithfulness. So don't wait until Valentine's to share your love with others, because you aren't guaranteed next Valentine's to buy those flowers and chocolate. Take time each day to make sure your spouse, significant other, and even friends know you care! It doesn't take long and can be absolutely free. God's desire is for us to love Him and love others. We do that because He loved us first. The true love story is that of His birth, death and resurrection. So love generously as you share your heart and joy with those around you!
"My loved ones, let us devote ourselves to loving one another. Love comes straight from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and truly knows God." 1 John 4:7 (the VOICE) Don't you just LOVE traveling? Seeing new places, reuniting with old faces that you don't see very often. Sometimes, getting away is just what you need. It gives you time to push aside work, your everyday life, and just sit back and let life show you new sights, sounds...and give you food for thought. I often go on trips thinking I can turn off my mind for awhile and just relax, which you do, but I always come back with new thoughts to ponder. Being in Florida did just that. To say we rested wouldn't be very accurate. A 7 mile bike ride on the beach one day, fierce card games, miles of walking around downtown St. Augustine, and a never-ending battle of ping-pong...did I mention eating, A TON! So I cannot say we rested physically, but I think our hearts were able to rest a little. When surrounded by family and friends, it's easy to push aside the reality of life. I cannot say that I didn't think of mom, because I did, every single day. But what made things easier was being surrounded by people who love and care. It was nice to have that a few days with family and reminisce on past experiences. Don't get me wrong here, we are so very appreciative for our family and friends in Asheboro and other areas, but to be away from the "normalcy" allowed for my heart to heal some.
Let me first start with our flight down to Florida. We left out of Charlotte, and dad so graciously allowed me the window seat. You know, that crazy-long one hour flight was so boring. No, really, just one hour, how much better could it possibly have been? We barely got up to cruising altitude before landing...and we didn't even get the "biggie-size" bag of eight pretzels. I LOVE flying! Anyway, we were on the flight, and the flight was pretty full, but not completely. As they closed up the plane, the flight attendant came around and told us this was all, that we could spread out. I thought, spread out....to where...the aisle? But then I realized, we were sitting in a row of three, and we had one empty seat. Right beside dad, was one empty seat. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, and maybe it doesn't even make you wonder, but for the rest of that flight, it just made me think of mom. That would have been mom's seat. The three of us traveling together. The three of us, a complete family. I had to take a minute and regain some composure and just be thankful. I felt like we were being watched over. Taking this trip was hard for both of us. It was different going away without her. Even though she's not here, it just didn't quite feel right. But that empty seat, even though sad, did give me a sense of comfort. Mom wouldn't have wanted us to sit around at home, she would have encouraged us to seize the moment....live life....make the most of everything! We arrived in Florida thinking we would have some nice warm and sunny days. Day one, cloudy, windy and COLD! BRR!! But guess what? We made the best of it! We bundled up and headed out to visit a nice beach. There's just something about the ocean that is calming and exciting all at the same time! It's beautiful, mesmerizing and compelling. The way the moon controls the tide, high and low, the current, how the shells are made and come in and rest on the sand, the jellyfish that ride the waves in. Of course I think about how miraculous of a God that created that! Every wave, shell and tide.....our God of details created that. He knows exactly how many grains of sand there are at every second of the day. He knows how many fish and He knows how many hairs are on my head. If He cares to know the amount of hair on my head (which seems meaningless in the grand scheme of things), how much more He cares about my heart! He cares about your feelings, your heart, your fears and wonders! If He cares to take care of the little seagulls at the beach, then why wouldn't He take care of YOU? I cannot sit here and say we didn't have any beautiful days, because after the first cloudy day, the sun made its grande appearance and brought forth some "fun in the sun". Have you ever rode a bike on the beach? It's so much fun! You should definitely do it one day! As we rode, we listened to the sound of the waves crashing down, the consistency of a wave hitting while a new one formed a little further out. Stopping every now and then to pick up a shell or two, dodging the dead jellyfish that were washed up on shore, and busting through the crowd of seagulls to see how quickly they could disperse. Mom loved walking the beach and hunting for the perfect shells. She had such a good eye, and often would come back with a sand dollar or two. It's funny how some things you can get involved in and not even realize how time flies. I can imagine that God enjoys watching us enjoy life. Counting gifts one at a time. Sometimes our list is short, with only one gift we can find, and others we have an ongoing list. This trip, there were many gifts to be thankful for. 76) crashing of the waves on the sand 77) new days, new life, new opportunities each morning 78) reminder to keep connected to The Vine which gives me life and hope 79) smiles and laughter with family from afar The end of our trip was touring some of Old St. Augustine on Saturday and church Sunday morning. St. Augustine is so full of history and culture. If you have a chance to go sometime, you should! There are tons of museums, restaurants, shops and historical landmarks. We walked through the town and took a tour of Flagler Memorial Presbyterian Church. This churches architecture was so beautiful and elaborate. The amazing part was that the whole church was built in less than a year. To see the amount of detail in this church, I cannot imagine completing it in less than a year, and to do this back in 1890. What an interesting historical site to visit and see. Everywhere we went, everything we saw and heard, we can connect to our journeys in life. It's all because we are here on this Earth, with a purpose. Our purpose isn't to just simply occupy the time we have and take up space where we decide to plop down. We are called to go out, to live a life full of Christ, and extend that branch of grace and hope to others around us. If we don't stay rooted in Christ, then we will simply blow away in the storms of life. Without those sustainable roots, we cannot walk alongside others in the winds of confusion in their life. We must stay rooted to Christ. We must reach out our branches full of fruit to offer others some nourishment. Our branches can hold fruit, lights of hope and just strength and encouragement to keep going. Without that root, we will quickly blow away, and without even realizing what has happened, you will find yourself in a dark world, alone and lifeless. Don't let that happen.....take charge now before you're uprooted by the root of all evil. Don't allow the storms of this life blow you around, because God cares for you more than you can truly embrace. I cannot wrap my head around it, but I just trust and know that because of that love, I have hope! Because of that sacrifice, I have a chance. Because of that root, I have life! Dig a little deeper and take hold! Let God's root of love and hope take hold of your heart! Over the last week or so, Dad and I have been going through pictures of our last trip to the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains in Georgia. This was a trip that Mom looked forward too! This was a trip to just spend together, not have work or the other busyness of life get in the way. A time to sit back, relax, and enjoy those countless hours of laughter, the silence of togetherness, and the peacefulness of God's creation. Dad couldn't have picked a more perfect cabin by the river, where the waters ripples were heard throughout the whole property. The scenery was beautiful, the company enjoyable, and the memories priceless. Going back and looking at these pictures was very bittersweet. That time together was a trip that will forever be ingrained in my memory. Honestly, words just don't do this trip justice, but many of the pictures do. But as we looked, we also quickly realized that trips won't ever be the same, the family is not complete, the laughter won't be as loud, and the memories made will be missing a key component to our family.
I have recently found myself consumed with the "what-if" thoughts. And if you have found yourself in this spot, you know what a trap it is. What if we had chosen a different plan of attack with treatment? What if we could have just known how long we had? What if I had spent more time with her? What if all those times she wanted to talk to me about her funeral or "when the time comes", and I had let her instead of avoiding the whole situation? What if she was afraid and just needed me to listen? Did I let her down by not being there for her more? I have had these thoughts bounce around in my head so much, and they are thoughts that are so hard to think about and grasp; and perhaps that's why the "what-if" world really isn't a good place to wander. I say this, however I am there. The hardest has been remembering Mom often talking about what's to come. I never ever wanted to listen to it. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to think about it at all. I just didn't want it to be reality. Somehow I thought that if I just didn't think about it much, that it just wouldn't be the truth. I have learned that the truth is very hard to handle and understand.....and actually, to understand is sometimes not even in the books. In this case, there's no true understanding of the "why's" in life. Sometimes we just have to take life for what it is. No, I don't like that statement. I don't think it's fair and it most certainly isn't easy. So, what to do when the "what-if's" creep up on you and pin you down? I wish I had a great answer, but I really don't. All I know is to remember that we ourselves are human, we aren't perfect, and we cannot ever fulfill every "what-if" question we may have. I do wish I could go back and just simply listen to Mom, and be that extra support when she wanted to talk, but I wimped out of the reality of life. I cannot imagine how life would have looked, and the ache she had to let our her fears and feelings. Unfortunately, those "what-if's" are getting me nowhere. I cannot go back and change what happened. Where we are now is where I must start. Each day is a new day. When you have an opportunity, seize it. When there is laughter, enjoy it. If you find closeness in family/friends, embed it in your heart and mind. As we all get closer and closer to leaving these shadow-lands, we have a life to live. While we all travel with frustrations and broken hearts in some way or another, we also must remember we have hope. We must try and remember this, as I am sure that Mom was never without One's support. That support was much better than any I could ever give. So try and let go of the "what-if's" (myself included) and focus on what you do have. Each day is new. Each morning the sun comes up again, but with new and endless possibilities.
Lamentations 3:22-24 (the VOICE) "How enduring is God’s loyal love; the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion. Here they are, every morning, new! Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day. Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts, 'Hope in God; just wait.'" Inexhaustible---->tireless; impossible to use up completely; unable to be worn out. Just take a minute and reread that verse. What a verse of HOPE! What a verse of selfless love! When I read this, I am consumed with feelings of complete grace! If we really face the facts, we are all sinners, and completely undeserving of "inexhaustible compassion". But the God who created us, knowing we would sin, also created us to accept His gift of compassion and grace. The God who could easily "kick us to the curb", is loyal in what He has promised us. He is loyal to walk with us, in the good and the bad. When we think we are in too deep, unable to be pulled out, He reaches out and lends us that hand. There's nothing that God can't handle; whether that be frustration, sadness, anger, or even our selfishness. Every morning He renews us! Every morning when that sun comes up, we have a new opportunity to seize the day, to offer grace, and display His hope to others. I myself have failed at all of this time and time again, because we get so caught up in the mess of life. We have a million "things" pulling us in opposite directions. Until we take some time to focus, we can't see this verse in action...not because God's not a God of action, but because we are too preoccupied to open our eyes to His mercies. But wait folks, that's not all.....if you pick up your Bible and "order" today, He will throw in HOPE! There's no cost! There's no price for shipping and handling! God's love is free, available faster than a phone call, and holds true for much longer than a 90 day trial! The {HOPE} He gives today, is what He offered the twelve disciples and the many others He came into contact with, and it's most certainly enough for us! This compassion, this mercy, grace and hope.......this isn't something just anyone can give you! It's not something our money can buy! It's a gift, a gift that I'm so very undeserving of, but coming to realize how much I take it for granted. I want God's compassion and Hope when I'm down, and I forget to count blessings when things are tough and life has consumed my thoughts. I seem to throw God to the curb when I think I can handle everything on my own. And yet, God still reaches His hand for me to come back and to graciously give me His inexhaustible compassion. He still brushes the dirt off of me when I've fallen down, wipes the tears when I'm saddened, and heals my heart when I'm broken. This is true mercy! This is how we should be! Lord, help me have eyes aware of your blessings, and a heart of tireless compassion! Help me to never stop sharing Your grace with others! Tomorrow is a new day and new mercies! Great is His faithfulness! How will you extend a hand of grace, hope and compassion? |
AuthorAmy Deck. Seeking Jesus and counting gifts. Yarnaholic. Music lover. Die hard traveler/adventurist. Archives
September 2018
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