I have recently learned that grief doesn't always hit you all at once. Sometimes it weeks or even months later. Grief is one of those things that we tend to deny. We don't want to have any part in it because then we would have to face the fact that something life-altering has happened. Why would anyone live to face grief? We are human, and we long for normalcy, for contentment, and for everything to be okay. But if we are going to be honest with ourselves, we have to come to terms that at some point in your lifetime, you will be hit with that life-altering, heart-shattering situation. No matter how much you try and "prepare" yourselves, it seems to still be a surprise. Surprises, good or bad, often warrant change. Grief and change somewhat go hand in hand, and often aren't tolerated well.
When you're told your loved one is terminal, that at this point it's just buying us a little extra time, you are given information on how to deal with it. I remember friends and family telling me about the "stages of grief": Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I can also remember specific instances when I felt the feelings that went right along with certain stages. In fact, I think I was always in denial; thinking that if I didn't accept it, that it would go away. Deep down I knew what was happening, but I continued to fight it with thoughts that she would get better. At one point, I actually thought that she would go to Hospice and they would give her IV fluids, she would get stronger, better, and be able to go back to normal life. Unfortunately, life isn't like that. We have to face life head on, because those bad things don't just go away by us hiding from them, or pretending that they don't exist. Maybe denying the inevitable really just makes it harder.
The other night, it just hit hard. Memories flooded my mind of her chemo treatments, how tired she got but kept going, of the day I got the news that Hospice was on their way. Then it all just spiraled downhill, and I pictured her being loaded onto the ambulance and then her laying there in Hospice. I remember wondering how we got to that point; how cancer could just take over like it did. It all was so overwhelming and just didn't make sense. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to see my mom in that lifeless state. I wasn't ready to be a big girl and "be strong" in a situation like that. Truth is, we aren't ever ready to face these tough times.
With grief comes change. With the death of a loved one, there are many changes that are just unfair. Here we are....just a little over a month away from it being a year. A whole year that I haven't been able to hear her voice, give her a hug, spend special times with her and make more memories. A whole year of one less setting at the table, being a family of 2 instead of 3, having to take her name off as my emergency contact, and just that feeling that life isn't as whole as it used to be. That's something that is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have dealt with the denial and anger. I have yelled my questions and been mad, but in the end....nothing brings her back. So while I've dealt with those negative changes, I have also found myself wading into changes that I may not have found myself making otherwise.
I have found that my perspective on life has changed. I have changed from an "I'll do it tomorrow", to "let's seize the moment and do it now" attitude. Memories far outweigh anything and pictures truly are worth a thousand words. And more than anything....the time spent with my mom was special, especially those last 3 years. Those are precious times that you couldn't trade me any crazy amount of money for. This time has taught me that life is way more fragile than we allow ourselves to believe. We aren't guaranteed tonight or tomorrow. I am learning that in order to get through this, I can't just change my outward sadness to be a smile; but I have to change my heart. This doesn't mean there's no more sadness, or that there won't be incredibly hard days....it just means I have to let go of the inward bitterness and denial, and face life with Him by my side. He promised He would go before us and walk beside us. He promised to never lead us to where we would walk alone.
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" --Deut. 31:8
So despite associating change with negative, if we truly want too, we can find those little tidbits of positive. The little blessings that may just be our lifesaver to be able to put one foot in front of the other. So tonight, I am reminding myself that there will be more days that feel completely lonely and discouraging. I am reminded that it takes time, and no specific amount of time for any single person. Grief is a part of life and you will at some point meet it. So be reminded that there are storms, but there are also blessings among the torrential downpours in life. The only umbrella that will ultimately protect us is God's promise that this earthly life is not the end.
When you're told your loved one is terminal, that at this point it's just buying us a little extra time, you are given information on how to deal with it. I remember friends and family telling me about the "stages of grief": Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I can also remember specific instances when I felt the feelings that went right along with certain stages. In fact, I think I was always in denial; thinking that if I didn't accept it, that it would go away. Deep down I knew what was happening, but I continued to fight it with thoughts that she would get better. At one point, I actually thought that she would go to Hospice and they would give her IV fluids, she would get stronger, better, and be able to go back to normal life. Unfortunately, life isn't like that. We have to face life head on, because those bad things don't just go away by us hiding from them, or pretending that they don't exist. Maybe denying the inevitable really just makes it harder.
The other night, it just hit hard. Memories flooded my mind of her chemo treatments, how tired she got but kept going, of the day I got the news that Hospice was on their way. Then it all just spiraled downhill, and I pictured her being loaded onto the ambulance and then her laying there in Hospice. I remember wondering how we got to that point; how cancer could just take over like it did. It all was so overwhelming and just didn't make sense. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to see my mom in that lifeless state. I wasn't ready to be a big girl and "be strong" in a situation like that. Truth is, we aren't ever ready to face these tough times.
With grief comes change. With the death of a loved one, there are many changes that are just unfair. Here we are....just a little over a month away from it being a year. A whole year that I haven't been able to hear her voice, give her a hug, spend special times with her and make more memories. A whole year of one less setting at the table, being a family of 2 instead of 3, having to take her name off as my emergency contact, and just that feeling that life isn't as whole as it used to be. That's something that is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have dealt with the denial and anger. I have yelled my questions and been mad, but in the end....nothing brings her back. So while I've dealt with those negative changes, I have also found myself wading into changes that I may not have found myself making otherwise.
I have found that my perspective on life has changed. I have changed from an "I'll do it tomorrow", to "let's seize the moment and do it now" attitude. Memories far outweigh anything and pictures truly are worth a thousand words. And more than anything....the time spent with my mom was special, especially those last 3 years. Those are precious times that you couldn't trade me any crazy amount of money for. This time has taught me that life is way more fragile than we allow ourselves to believe. We aren't guaranteed tonight or tomorrow. I am learning that in order to get through this, I can't just change my outward sadness to be a smile; but I have to change my heart. This doesn't mean there's no more sadness, or that there won't be incredibly hard days....it just means I have to let go of the inward bitterness and denial, and face life with Him by my side. He promised He would go before us and walk beside us. He promised to never lead us to where we would walk alone.
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" --Deut. 31:8
So despite associating change with negative, if we truly want too, we can find those little tidbits of positive. The little blessings that may just be our lifesaver to be able to put one foot in front of the other. So tonight, I am reminding myself that there will be more days that feel completely lonely and discouraging. I am reminded that it takes time, and no specific amount of time for any single person. Grief is a part of life and you will at some point meet it. So be reminded that there are storms, but there are also blessings among the torrential downpours in life. The only umbrella that will ultimately protect us is God's promise that this earthly life is not the end.