I wasn't necessarily trying to fill that hole with another relationship, but rather anything I could find to fill my time and mask over the true feelings I had and needed to deal with. Endless Facebook scrolling, several episodes of Friends, there's always something to be done at work, meetings, and even travel. While there isn't necessarily anything wrong with these, I realized that all I was doing was covering up my hearts yell for help with everything but what could truly fill that emptiness. The busier you are, the less idle time you have for your mind to wander. It's so much easier to stay busy than to face anything tough, especially when it means owning up to mistakes you've made. And that was just it for me...I was trying to fill my emptiness with everything but what could truly fill it.
When I look at my life, my relationship with God, I feel like it's just a yo-yo movement. Sometimes I'm really close with Him and spend some great quality time with Him, and other times I'm as far away from Him as I can go without being completely separated. I know that I'm the one who moves away from Him. I don't mean too, and often don't realize what's happening until I hit the bottom of that yo-yo when it feels like I'm not going to just pop back up. It's then I realize I have to ask for help to get back up. That's where I've found myself just recently. I'm as far away as I can be and honestly it's miserable. I can listen to Christian music, go to church and worship, serve; but when I don't make that connection with Him each day, taking my thoughts and requests to Him, what good is the other? I have recently discovered at how I have really missed the mark in my prayer life. I am often quick to complain, discuss concern of lost people or even my aggravation with people...but I've failed to take all of that before the Lord. I am sitting back so upset and blinded to the fact that the answer to everything is right in front of me. I just need to talk to Him.
Is there still a huge part of me that feels like I got robbed of love and time with my mom? Of course! I still have days where I wish I could just go see her for a hug and shoulder to cry on. (Until you are without that, you may not ever realize how special that hug from your mom is!) That's what I truly miss, knowing that I always had someone here to be my comfort and encouragement. I've always known that God is my true comfort and encouragement always, but when He blesses us with people in our lives to physically be here, that's a true gift. So each day, learning to rely on Him for my comfort and encouragement is hard! There are many days that I don't rely on Him enough, and that's when I slowly fade away from Him and fill my life with everything that cannot truly fill the hole. I'm not sure we are ever at that state of wholeness until we reach Heaven, but I know I could put forth much more effort to rest in God's comfort. So I encourage you, whether it's now or another time; that when you find yourself feeling stuck in a pit of loneliness, the bottom of that yo-yo, to remember that even in our deepest darkest times, God's waiting for us to quit muting our yell for help, and rest in Him. He never quits holding us, and it's never Him that walks away from us. Sometimes He allows us to be alone so He can get our attention and teach us something. It's in that time that we need to look around, count our blessings, and keep our gaze on Him.